WANTING, DRENCHED

I was speeding on 110 km/h when I searched for my iPhone.

I was agitated.

It was raining.

I was aware of the danger, and knowing how careless I can become, especially with the road becoming slippery, but I just needed to find it.

I needed to Shazam the song before it ended.

I heard it before, not so long ago, but I didn't get to Shazam it in time. 

I wasn't going to let that happen again. I was in desperation.

It almost felt like forever, like finding a needle in a haystack. I almost felt irritated with myself for having too many things in one little space. Damn it.

Thank God it was found at the final chorus of the song.

I'm sure everyone has it, a song or two which brings him or her back to the past like a zapping machine, like travelling back through space and time. I won't deny it, especially an emotionally-entagled lady like me, but this song just seems to relate to me so easily.

Forget the weird accent that is clearly detectable through the song, but there is just a sense of darkness, smokiness, and above all, sadness that lingers between the lines of this number. It's the sadness in the tone that really appealed to me. A tone of regret. Which was exactly what I felt that very faithful day.

And when it hit the chorus, suddenly on my windscreen, flashes of different images came by.

I heard through the lyrics over and over again.

It's lyrics were not pictured in a melancholic manner, but however weird it may sound, it so easily brought me back to the past. This time, it went back to Form 5. Flashes of my first love came to mind, LEO, then the ring, my first ever ring, the umbrella, and that teddy bear in that dark green box.

I remember the argument when we were apart, the news I didn't believe, the call on Christmas Day. The note he wrote. The post card he sent. How miserable I felt on the most important day of the year to me, that time.

How we parted.

Then I saw a figure, tall, tan, handsome. The same figure that took the train, and walked to all the way to college to look for me.

I was in someone's car after Japanese class. Someone saw the figure walking by. We stopped. There was piece of cake that was passed to me. I remembered being truly happy looking at it. It was Secret Recipe. I thought it was truly sweet.

I remember walking to Taman Melati train station that night. It was a romantic night indeed.

Flashes of Caramel Macchiato, his favourite drink. Anime, books, blue candle, cup, KL Tower, clay.

From this figure did I learn that it does not take much to make me happy. Just a dose of love, a sprinkle of care, and little surprises.

I remember on another seperate occassion, that figure waited for me in the train station for a few hours. With that bouquet of flowers. Just for me. And I couldn't care less to message him back. 

Him riding to college in the rain when I wanted to end things.

The pain, the rush. My biggest guilt.

How stupid of me.

Perhaps it was timing. I was too young. Too immature. A costly mistake I have caused.

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Then, I recall of happy times, walking down the bricked walls of Sheffield, with my hands in my pocket. I still remember the chills. Cooking, baking, shopping, eating. PoundLand. 99pence shop. Haagen-D ice-cream. Doing the laundry. Laundry was so fun. Dump everything in, get everything out, nice and clean. =) Watching Friends. Eating with friends. I didn't appreciate it then, but looking back, I was blessed to have friends that would eat with me every night for three and a half months until I graduated.

I bought two boxes of Waitrose Honey Nut Flakes yesterday while grocery shopping. I really miss Sheffield. No words can describe it. I know it feels the same for all the 9 of us who went together as a group. No matter how wonderful, awesome, or happening life becomes of now, it can never beat that. Sheffield.

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Then the little blue candle. 

Sometimes, you feel so burdened, so heavily hovered with guilt that you feel like bursting into dust and disappear into thin air. And you keep beating yourself up for all the wrongs you have made. For things you wish you made right. For things to be different.

And to know that no matter what you do, or what you say now, it's meaningless compared to the amount of torment you have inflicted upon that someone. Especially when you know for sure, that that someone did nothing to deserve it.

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Last Friday I drove to Taipan, and in the pouring rain I knew I was close to that petshop. I have only been there once, but I just knew I was close through the familiar buildings from a long ago memory. Another painful memory struck. Like a bullet through my heart.

That painful look on that person's eyes. It's hard to forget. Like an imprintment it has become.

I wanted to apologise, but I know it won't mean anything now. Not after so long. 

Apologising would bring back more hurtful memories. 

...Which was why I drove away that very evening.

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 My old Nike shoes have withered. It's been so many years. What I never expected was, it would wither away, become old, and weary, and subsequently be out of use. I just thought that it would always, always be by my side-my old faithful sports shoe. 

I didn't throw it away. I've walked through the whole Europe with it. Not to mention Scotland and Australia.

Like I said, I am an emotionally-entangled lady. =)

With all those flashing images, playing over and over like a broken record, I felt a sudden tear rolling down my cheek.

It was just too over-whelming.

A moment of weakness, everyone has it. I'm just not afraid to admit it.

The guilt from my past came to visit, squeeze me in the heart, and went by. 

I was torn, indeed.

Thanks a lot, Past. I really didn't need that.

All that, from a song.

Sigh, what a day.

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I'm sorry that I am not able to write so often. 

lotsa love.