29/03/2014

The last time I ever heard a call from him, it was in Gardens, Mid Valley.

 

I was having dinner with Damian. We were still friends then.

 

I remember the impact the call had on me. It almost ruined my evening.

 

Not because of the conversation that we had over the phone at that time, but rather the cause-effect and the impact I know my decision would have on him.

 

It has been two-and-a-half years since.

 

In my wildest dreams I never thought I would have the chance to bump into him again.

 

Even if it was 10 years, I will never, never forget that face.

 

But today, I saw him, and that oh-so familiar face.

 

My heart has not skipped a bit in awhile.

 

Tonight it did.

 

....sigh...

 

 

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It was a weird moment for both of us. I know that he was in a very uncomfortable position. I was too. I tried to be as neutral as I was, but I was in a sea of emotions. There were so many, so many things I wanted to say, yet at that moment I just froze. He came to say hi to daddy and mummy. He has always had an utmost respect for them, especially daddy. He has always had that in him.

 

My dear little blue box love, he has aged with time.

 

Perhaps he didn't look as handsome as he used to, but underneath that messy hair, with tinges of white hair patches and unshaven look, was a familiar face in which I truly missed.

 

I looked at the shirt he was wearing, and I remember that shirt so well. I laid upon that shirt on his chest countless times. I can still remember the scent that was upon that shirt. Even that shirt has worn out in colour. Just goes to show how long as it been since everything happened, yet the memories are still so fresh, so fresh. So many memories came flashing back at that moment, I couldn't catch my breath.

 

During the day I wore the same shirt in which I wore on my birthday too, the last time we met. What a co-incidence.

 

Sis and Ken invited him for the wedding. I am pretty sure he will not come.

 

It's funny how life turns around and bites you hard.

 

He says that he is not planning to get married too soon. I can only conclude that he has another special person in his life, and I can vouge with my being and say that this lady, whoever she is-the person who has his heart now, is a very lucky, lucky lady. HE is the kind that would go out of his way to make his lover smile, the one that would be the hopeless romantic and do all sorts of funny little things, the one that would surprise her with flowers quite occassionally, the kind that would drop anything at one phone call, the kind that would listen, the kind that loves, whole-heartedly, and unconditionally.

 

She is a very lucky lady.

 

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Where we are today, was an outcome of my decision. Perhaps my biggest regret, emotionally.

 

Here I am, asking myself, am I proud of the person I have become since we parted? Will he be proud of me if I shared with him my success stories? Or will he be immune?

 

Does it really matter anymore?

 

I know it doesnt. Not anymore.

 

It actually does not matter. He loved me when I was in nothingness. He was the one who loved me for all my flaws and my strengths. Whatever monetary upperhand that I have now will not be significant in his eyes. He loved me for me. Period.

 

I was thinking, how would life had been if I had chosen to stay..?

 

Perhaps I would be like sis, planning the kind of wedding I would like, with him. I don't know. Maybe I would be, maybe not.

 

I watched as he turned his back and walked away. He didn't look at me as he leave. I believe that there was no need for that. But I wish he did, just so that I can look at him again one more time. I kept on looking until he disappeared in the sea of people that were surrounding us. At that point I knew that the odds of ever bumping into him again has circled back to none.

 

Tonight my heart is heavy.

 

And this is a burden I will always carry.

 

What a night.

 

Goodnight world.

 

 

 

 

 

lotsa love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

239

Today the world mourns, for flight MH370. 

My heart goes out to the families of passengers on board the flight, I pray for God to give you the strength to go through this most difficult time. 

May their souls rest in peace. 

That Every Word, Is True

The shorter arrow was pointing at 2, while the longer one was pointing at 7. It's about 2.37 last night and I wasn't fast asleep. Funny, I thought  I was really tired that day.

And the haze is making us laze. Everyone is significantly slower. Even I'm slower.

Thank God for the rain.. I can at least breathe better!

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Suddenly  I thought of this song.

 

This is a beautiful, beautiful song, soothing and almost, innocent.

Watched Evita before?

Didn't understand the movie when  I first watched it at 10 years old. I mean, hey, who understands anything at 10??? =P

But watching this again tonight, it opened up the door to a familiar place, a fragment of a memory.

The stone walls of Sheff. The cozy little room. The green key. The familiar face. Potato wedges, ahh my favourite. Chicken Kebab. All of which makes simple things, however insignificant, seem so significant now.

In a different place and time.

It's been 4 years coming. How time flies, really.

Cheers.

lotsa love.

Somewhere Only We Know

I wrote this particular note not too long ago, but I didn't manage to finish it. Perhaps I was hurting, that the keyboard seemed a bit too hard to press, or perhaps my fingers were numb out of the immense emotional torture that I have to endure. It didn't seem too long ago. But today, I finished the note, and safe it is, kept aside in a little box I fear to open because it would mean a catalyst to an emotional whirlwind which at this point of my life, is really unnecessary. I'm happy now, no burden, no regrets, and I intend to keep it that way. But....

I still say his name in randomness often. 

I wonder will it ever stop. 

Was there an unfinished business? Not that I recall of. We had a proper closure, perhaps the most proper I have experienced. But hovered above me are the burden of emotions that mere words cannot explain. I wish that I could vacuum out my heart so that it would be less scarred. Less tainted. 

I'm listening to Keane now. Somewhere Only We Know, is a beautiful song that I could easily relate to. Perhaps it's easy for someone as boring as I am. Sometimes it amazes me how much of ranting I can do. Ohh the power of words, they will make you or break you. Agreed???. 

It made me think of where I am in my life now. Am I happy and contented?

I don't know if this question is an alarm system in which I set up on my head to constantly evaluate myself, like as if my life needed evaluating.

Went out with Simon that night, and over dinner we had a funny conversation on the 'four men' that a girl would meet in her life. I believe at most parts, he was doing most of the talking, because little did he realise that I was doing a lot of thinking, trying to figure out if what he said had any basis, as I correlate to my own past and the people that have left significant footprints In it. Perhaps it's true. And so I was being asked, what guy is Simon to me. I believe we both knew where we were in the four. :)

Whatever it is, I'm glad for his existence. He is one of the many reasons life seem constantly interesting. Thank you Simon. 

Then there was the random outing with MDT. I sooooooo love his car. It feels so good to ride on a car that is nicer than mine. Hahahah. Think it's a Kia M5? Ahhh the sleekiness and sexiness. It was a nice outing. We should do more of that. :) Next time we ride on my Mazda ya. 

Sigh. 

It's going to be a super stressful month for me this month. I'd either make or break it. Wish me luck..!

 

 

Lotsa love.