Endearing..

Whenever I talk about you, I blush. 

I smile so much my gums show. 

And no matter how I try to retain my cool, I can't. Happiness illuminates my every being now. 

Simply because, as my friends quote, I'm in love.

The best sound in the world for me now, is when I hear you laugh. Especially when it's on my jokes. And it warms my heart so much to see you smile when you look at me so endearingly.

And it's the most wonderful, wonderful feeling. To be so focused and unfocused at the same time. To long for someone and enjoying every single bit of it. 

I cannot wait to see you. 

Seems too long a time since your fingers wrapped mine. 

Lotsa love. 

With Him

Ever experienced that one thing that happens to you, that turned your world upside-down and yet you know that you are in it for the ride and you are waiting for that one moment for everything to fall into place?

 

I did.

 

And it was an awesome feeling.

 

Did not need to go on a roller coaster ride to experience it.

 

It was as simple as when you filled the spaces of my fingers with yours.

 

And then there was this warm tingling sensation in my heart.

 

And I smiled so wide that my gums showed.

 

...At how you were so nervous.

 

...How you were so courteous to even ask. And I was indeed surprised for such gentlemancy.

 

How we both blushed at each other.

 

And how it was all so perfect amidst all the awkwardness.

 

How you laugh at my jokes. My silliness. And how I laugh at yours too.

 

Most importantly, above it all,

 

Was how you make my heart skip a beat...

 

The chemistry that we have, it was wonderful.

 

And in that moment, I wanted nothing more.

 

I'm really happy.

 

Come back to me soon! =)

 

 

lotsa love.

READ ME READ ME!

Sometimes I never understood, why some things happened the way they do, why do certain people make certain decisions that make no sense when it came to how the given situation was, why sometimes, something that was so certain in the initial plan, panned out to be entirely different than that of what one hoped, and why moments are created in a certain kind of way.. 

But.. 

When I look at you, I realized that all the turns I have taken, all the roads I have traversed, all the defining, even heart breaking moments that have shaped me to be the woman that I am today, it has all led to one reason, and that, was when You approached to say Hello. 

It has been a beautiful journey since, with You. 

You have made me laugh, made me smile to myself sheepishly in my car when I'm driving, and fizzled my cold heart with warmth and affection whenever my thoughts go to you.

You asked me that day when we went shopping, if I was too good to be true. I smiled in disbelief. I didn't know what to say, before you cracked a joke thereafter. :) Because it was at that defining moment when you asked me, that I thought of the exact same thing. 

Could it be possible, though?? 

Perhaps it could be?? 

Could it be??? 

I don't know. 

But one thing's for sure, I'm very blessed that you chose to say Hello. 

And I'm looking forward to the unknown in the near and far future as it unfolds gradually. 

... Can't wait for the weekend! 

Lotsa love. 

You will ALWAYS be in our Hearts.

It took me some time to dissolve the fact. 

The cold hard fact. 

In fact I'm still in the process of accepting. 

Many people have had their share of saying their kind words of the man he was. I believe that is what death does to a person. It makes you think of all the wonderful things he has done, the lengths that were taken, the difference he helped make. 

But I'm still in the process, of accepting the fact that he is gone. Forever. That is, until I'm gone forever too that we would meet again on the other side. 

How would I describe Uncle Kwong? 

He was a man of opinion, if anything he was always the man that was never afraid to speak his mind. He couldn't careless who you were, what car you drove, how much of money you were making, nothing of sorts. He was an outspoken figure of his time, sometimes too outspoken for some. :)

Perhaps the lack of education, or the environment he grew up in that has moulded this figure; the loud, hot-tempered persona that he was, but underneath the facade, was a good, good hearted man with a heart for charity, doing good for others, giving out donations to the needy, and the best part, an animal lover himself too. He loves to play with ColB whenever he stopped by, and ColB loved his company just as much. He was family. Like a 5+1. For every festive season, whether it was birthday, Christmas, he was always, always a constant figure. 

I'm grateful too, for his many years of presence, keeping daddy company on the shop when he needed one, as they were business partners, apart from being family of course. 

In fact, some events in my life too was associated to him. Had it not been him to mention TARC, I wouldn't have ended up in that college, and learnt the things I learnt, loved the people I loved, carved small successes in more ways than one, and above all, learnt the value of humility. I believe I would have come out a different person should I have ended up in Taylor's, my first destination. For that, I shall always be grateful. 

The journey. 

The journey was a painful one, both for us and for him too. It was on his birthday that I took leave and went to accompany him to see the Doctor when his symptoms worsened. Obstructive jaundice was the first sign, and I knew he had to see a Doctor. 

I remember registering him at the counter in Assunta Hospital. The nurse registrar exclaimed while in the process "Eh Uncle, it's your birthday lah today Uncle!" then he said jokingly, "Yes, today is my birthday and God gave me a big birthday gift, to ask me to come hospital." Lolz.. Who would have known, that it was his very last, very last birthday?? 

I knocked my car that night too. Probably a night I would not forget in a long, long time. 

Did some reading before the test results came out, and I didn't like what I read on the dinner table. True enough, it was indeed cholangiocarcinoma after the tests and diagnosis. The doctor that attended to him was a bad one, so bad really. Never ever go to him, Dr Suresh Lachmanan. 

After discharging, Uncle Kwong went back to work like usual. When I visit the shop, I see him sitting there, working, and I always thought that he shouldn't work too hard and take some time to just rest, but I guess he didn't allow the disease to get the best of him. Although I see him getting weaker and weaker, but the says the Chinese medicine makes him feel better. One month later, though, I made an appointment to see the best Gastroenterologist in the country, Prof Goh in UMSC, and I took that evening to accompany my Uncle despite having a very important meeting the next day. Family is utmost importance, above all else. 

Prof Goh then referred us to Prof BK Yong, a Hepatobiliary Surgeon. Another doctor who is also one of the best in his field, he consulted Uncle to go for further tests to ascertain the abnormal activity near the liver and if the condition allows, to opt for surgery as soon as possible. He didn't opt for that option unfortunately. I recorded the conversation over the phone and heard it again just recently. Can't believe that all is said and done at this point, and what remains of him is all in an urn.

Hard to believe.

The final month was an in and out of the hospital for me and my family. We helped to coordinate the checking in and out, the possibility of the surgery, I was closely in discussion and updates with both the doctors, Dr Tan and Dr Yong BK, the proceedings, everything. I know my family was all very tired in this whole process, especially daddy. After work at 9 he would visit Uncle Kwong in the hospital, especially in the final 3 weeks. But he never complained single word. Daddy cooked for him almost every day after the first discharge from the hospital. My dad is a man of a good, good heart. I'm so proud to have him as my father, really. Over and over again he has proven that he is a man made figuratively of course, of diamonds, ever so rare, and so valuable. If ever I find a guy who is like my daddy, I would marry that guy. Honest. 

Perhaps I'll forget the details of this whole journey in due time, but there is just too much to write. The idea of that two weeks before his demise, that I got the call from Dr Yong telling me that he has intestinal obstruction and has to opt for surgery to fix the obstruction at the expense of removing an organ, the date that I was supposed to have but was cut short due to this, the sudden call from the anesthetist Dr Tan on wanting my final signature to acknowledge that it is of high risk operation due to his worsening condition, the walk through the room before the operating theatere just to find Dr Yong and Dr Kong waiting for me to inform me that the surgery cannot be done coz of the possible intubation and extension complications, the CT scan results that I stumbled upon when I was waiting for the Dr's review and when I realized how bad the situation was, the call I made to my family when Dr told me he had only about 1-2 weeks left to live, and all of those in between. So much, really. 

Was I tired? Oh, I was. For one month I was in and out of the hospital, for my day job and then my personal night visits. The final two weeks saw me going into the hospital for my usual visits daily I considered the hospital as my second home already. But I also know, that Uncle Kwong appreciated our company, that staying in the hospital can really really be very lonely. Good thing he opted for a private room. In that final two weeks we did our best to keep him company and reduce his pain. 

That was all that could be done. 

Funny, with all the advancement of today's medication, there are some things that are just beyond our control. 

After his demise, I gave two basket of fruits to the two doctors who I thought was deserving. The final piece of action I have done in the name and appreciation of Uncle Kwong.

Do I have any regrets? 

No. 

I do not. 

It is because I know for a fact that I have done all in my ability to care for my dear uncle in his times of need. From trying to persuade him to go for the surgery, to planning my evenings with him as the priority, from helping to coordinate things and use my connections for such times, and it all the things that was done, really. 

And I am also proud of my family, because from his incident I know, that daddy and mummy has brought us up to be good individuals with good values, to have the heart to care for the sick and in need, for a fact that Uncle Kwong wasn't related to us by blood, but he was to us like family that we took the extra miles, I'm proud of every single one of us for having the heart of empathy.  That, is how a person is defined-character, and it is through such difficult times will you see a person'a true color. 

Which is why I really appreciate, when Alvin and Syam took the effort to come for the wake, the day after his demise. 

Especially Alvin, he came down from Malacca and after running his errands, came to the wake to pay his last respects. I know he was tired, I could see it in his face, which is why I appreciate his presence that day, and I am sure Uncle Kwong did too. Alvin went to accompany me to visit Uncle Kwong too, during the time when Uncle Kwong was around in his final week. He is indeed a person with a thoughtful heart. Perhaps it was too overwhelming for him. Angel also came to visit and she was so empathic towards the suffering of a Uncle. I have great friends. People like Angel, Alvin, Syam. :) God Bless them three. 

Uncle Kwong left us with a void that is impossible to fill. 

But for all that is worth, I'm glad that I have had an uncle to care for, who cared for me and my family too, who laughed with us, traveled with us, shared this lifetime moments with us, brought us to eat so much of good food and started the food frenzy in my family, enjoyed all the celebrations, and made life more worthwhile. 

May you rest in peace Uncle Kwong.

You will be dearly missed. 

Lotsa love. 

Those Twinkling Eyes..

(Unpublished: 15th October)

Him: *grin* You look beautiful tonight. 

Me: *blush* *smiles* thank you. 

Him: Red looks good on you. 

Me: Oh yeah?? Gee, thought it's a bit too striking. After all, it's bright red. 

Him: Not at all, which is why I got you something red too. 

*poof*

Out comes a big red bag. 

Omg..!!! *shocked and stunned*

*speechless*

It was a lovely date. I cannot believe you thanked me for allowing you to celebrate it with me, when I should be the thankful one because you decided to spend your precious evening with me instead. Especially when you are flying off the next day. 

Funny. For about half an hour it felt like you booked the whole Japanese restaurant for me. :) Simply because we were alone at the whole restaurant. Clock was ticking at 6.30pm, but there was no one to be seen. 

Maybe because it was a secluded place. 

Expensive too. Intermark. What is not expensive at Intermark??? 

I'm sorry I had to rush. One hour was really too short. 

But really, I couldn't ask for anything more. 

No amount of thank you is enough. 

I am not deserving of such affection. 

.... It's unfortunate though, that we will never be.

Sigh. 

Lotsa love. 

Mixed Emotions

Here we are closing at the final quarter of the year. 

Well, it's 3 months to Christmas..! :) 

Three months more to make dreams come true. 

Three months more to make resolutions to reality. 

Bahhh.. 

**********************

It's drizzling now as I write this. 

Just had a cup Mamee Express Curry Cup. Yumm. Should I get another one?? *contemplating*

I'm sitting on the sofa, thinking of so many things. 

Mainly..

The conversation I had with Dr Yong BK yesterday. I had so many questions, and no one could answer me. I needed to speak with the Dr privately. And so I waited. 3.40pm, he came walking into the room. It was a sad conversation, as he told me Uncle's condition and the recent abdominal PETSCAN results. I hated the direction of the conversation. Again, I was alone. Bad news seem to come around often whenever I'm on my own, I wonder why. 

But this was different, because I was somehow mentally prepared for it. With some discussions I had with other Doctor friends, I anticipated this stage, when he adamantly decided to not opt for surgery and lean towards the treatment of traditional Chinese Medicine three months ago. This was the consequence, should the TCM fail. But it's different, even if I'm mentally prepared for it, when I'm attached to that person emotionally. 

A dear Uncle who has watched me grown from a baby, toddler, small girl, to a young lady, and soon to celebrate her 26 years of living. Now I'm watching as his life withers away. And there is nothing much we can do about it. 

Difficult. So difficult. 

********************************

Autumn by Paolo Nautini. 

It's a beautiful number. 

It keeps playing in my playlist. Thank you to Denesh for introducing to me that song while driving me out for lunch in his car, and thank you Jojo, his babe for having excellent taste in music, simply because we like the same genre. 

:)

And so this lyrics goes like this:

Autumn leaves under frozen souls,
Hungry hands turning soft and old.
My hero cried as we stood out there in the cold,
Like these autumn leaves I don't have nothing to hold.

Handsome smile, wearing handsome shoes,
Too young to say though I swear he knew.
I hear him singing while he sits there in his chair,
While these autumn leaves float around everywhere.

I look at you and I see me, making noise so restlessly,
But now it's quiet and I can hear you saying,
My little fish don't cry, my little fish don't cry.

Autumn leaves have faded now
That smile I lost well I've found somehow,
Cause you still live on in my father's eyes.

These autumn leaves, oh these autumn leaves,
Oh these autumn leaves are yours tonight.

This song was written for his grandpa by this very handsome Scottish lad. 

***************************

The drive home last night from Pantai Bangsar was a long one, thanks to jam and rain. 

In this journey of over an hour, I took the time to listen to Autumn over an over again, and realize that it's more beautiful the more I hear it. 

I'm thinking to do a short dance number with this song. Contemporary, maybe?? 

Think I can do it? I have retired from dancing for so long now. I probably have to break some bones and muscles in the process of getting back on track again. Hahaha. 

But it would be fun, if I could accomplish that. 

Maybe. 

Just maybe. 

And to end the evening of my Friday night.. I had someone come pick me up in his new ride. 

Mr Alvin Chong, on his sexy Kia K3. 

He looked good, in his new car. And I have always known that he has worked hard for his future, so I'm very happy for him that he has achieved this milestone in his career and life. You should really be proud of yourself Alvin! Not many people can buy a nice car like yours at the age of 27! :) All with your own hard work, blood and sweat! :) He had a big-ass smile plastered on his face as I opened my house door and he got out of his car. Well, it's definitely a moment to celebrate. :)

And to top it off, he actually offered to let me drive his car!!!! Like omggg la!!! I was so kan cheong Wei really, and I declined it the first time he offered, but after dinner, he directed me to the drivers seat and was like, "Come drive my car Jean Kathlaine. Can lah, I have faith in you! Hahaha.. Come let me be your salesman for tonight, and you be the driver." Lol.. I was thinking "Man, this car is less than 12 hours old, I'd better drive it like my life depended on it! This guy is either crazy, too happy, or trusts me THAT much to let a clumsy girl like me drive his brand new car in the brink of the night. But hey, since I'm on it, might as well enjoy the moment righttttt???? :D" hahah..!

 Wahh so kan cheong really. Kia K3, it's a good car. Accustoms the seat just for the driver and all. Sexy!!! 

It was a night full of laughter.

And there I was, sitting with another person who would laugh at my silliness. We talked about my experiences in Europe, and there he was saying "You say one ahh! If I make u mad I buy you waffle, you can't be mad already ahh!" Hahaha. So funny. :) I'm truly, truly glad that we are still friends, that we can look into each other's eyes and find no awkwardness. It's nice. There aren't many people like you out there. Like you often say, I'm a GOOD girl, you are a GOOD boy too, Alvin. Remember that. :) it's one of your best qualities. :) 

Sigh, what a week. 

Lotsa love. 

Little. Random. Thoughts. 123.

Drizzles.. Drizzles..

It has been drizzling almost all day today.

Coffee. Driving. Thoughts. 

Amnesia. 

Nice one. My current fav.
 

 

 

Sad. Painful.

***************************************************************************

Balcony. Was it the 9th floor? I've forgotten.

Rain, cold air, lingering thoughts.

A hug from the behind. The tingling sensation it leaves my spine momentarily thereafter. Ohh how I love.

A distant memory, a long time ago.

 

Amnesia.

**********************************************************************

 

Four years ago, I was in Europe at this time. We were traveling. Tiring, but seen so much, so much. So many beautiful things. Too many photos, too many to rekindle..

Some highlighted photos maybe??

 My travel buddies

 

 A view of Switzerland from the hill top of one of the McDonalds branches. Imagine eating ur Chicken Burger with this million dollar view. Damn!

 

 Sigh...

 

 Ahh, I remember this.. it was featured in the Angels and Demons's movie. Inside the Vatican.

 

Some majestic statue inside the Vatican

 

 Holland! And their ginormous shoes! There's a story behind it though. About Holland and wooden shoes. =)

 

On the Gondola in Venice with Yi Foong and Evon. Legend says that for every bridge you pass under, should you be on the boat with your lover, that you should kiss him/her, then your love will last forever. Lol..If only love was THAT easy. But romantic laaaa..

 

 Ahhhh.. the Colloseum, Rome. So poser right? Those days la when young and silly. Now still got a bit leeee.. =)

 

 First time touch snow in Mount Tigris, Switzerland. So excited leh!!!

 

 If I could, I would like to come here one day again with my other half. City of love, Paris. Eiffel Tower.

 

 Disneyland, Paris! With Goofy. =)

 

Ahhhh.. Fine dining. In France. Escargoat as Entree.

 

Lucerne, Italy. The tale of Romeo and Juliet, and the infamous balcony. Every ballerina would know this story. Which is why I'm so blessed to be able to see with my own eyes this significant piece of architecture.

 

 The Hunchback of Notre Dame?? Looooove that Disney movie. This is the Cathedral.

 

 

Escargoat. Like chewing gum in butter, olive oil and fine grated cheese. Yum Yum.. =)

 

 Through the elements of space and time.

 Place de la Concorde. One of Paris's main attractions.

 The Grand Place, Belgium. I remember the tour guide mentioning that this is also called the Rennaisance City built as merchant markets in the 13th century. I hope I'm getting my facts right. ^_^ Ohhh so beautiful, so organised, so grand. I'll never forget.

 

 If you piss me off, just buy me a waffle. No matter how heated the argument is, I'll forgive. =) The best, best waffle I have eaten in my entire life. A must have when in Belgium. =)

 

 Duomo, Milan, Italy. Cantik ohh so cantik.
 

 Also in Milan, Italy. There was a story about this, but I forgot.

 

 The Lourve, Paris + Me.

 

My travel buddies. Wouldn't have been that fun without them. =)

 
 

Would love to relive these moments over a cuppa. 

It would be awesome. 

Ohh how much has happened. 

Soon, some couples would be wedded. Weddings to attend. 

Time flies. 

You And I. 
 

Another beautiful number. 

Don't live in the past, look forward to the future.

Danial: There is a reason why these people are your past, why they never made it to your future. 

:) 

*******************************************************************

I love looking at mummy and daddy, and adore, simply adore the simplicity of them both with each other. They are a beautiful couple. 

Sometimes I also wonder though, how two people of the total opposites can learn to love one another the way they do.

For instance, mom is a big spender. Dad is the savvy one. Mom loves to look fine and dandy, daddy has never dyed his hair in his life. Mom is all extravagant dad is just simple. Just simple things like good food would make him so happy. 

Mom, I can't say the same. Maybe diamonds and gold. :)

Family table.

Picadilly's.

I see my family, my siblings, their loved ones. 

 

I see sis with Ken, bro with Michelle. Their smiles. Teasing each other.

 

I believe they can achieve what mummy and daddy has. 

 

Simply because of one thing. One thing. 


Perhaps, just perhaps, there is such thing as forever.

 

:) 

I'm so glad that they have founded their happiness. 

Everyone looks so cute together. 

It's nice, to be surrounded by so much love in one table. 

Mom was really cute while watching the Man-U game last night. At last she finally gets to watch with the bunch of Man-U fans. :) she was so happy. :)

Simple, simple things.

*******************************************************************
 

 

Suddenly I realize I have become boring. 

Too much rants of the same thing. 

I need a new hobby.

Maybe do a new dance number??? :) 

 

Lotsa love. 

Wow. Like WOW really.

I'm tired. 

Emotionally drenched. 

Physically strained. 

Mentally sickened. 

Yes, I managed to hit my target. My effing high target. 

Thinking back, I'm still figuring out how I did it. Which is why it's nearing 3 in the morning and I am unable to sleep. I'm overwhelmed with mixed feelings..! Pure contentment, and disbelief, somehow a bit sad that I had to go through all the BS, but still grateful to God (He made it happen) that I managed to pull through, closing a gap that is the biggest in my record thus far. 

It's been a crazy, crazy ride. Gosh even crazy is an understatement. There were tears too. On the phone, with John. Poor man, I had to put him in such an uncomfortable place. But he was the right person to call for a word of advice. 19 years in the industry? Like omg la how did he survive? More importantly, I'm asking myself, how could I have allowed myself to cry over a job? 

Perhaps it's the ego, the 'want to hit' mindset, the ample dissapoinment, the pressure, the fact that every one else is on the mark but me.

And yes, ohh yes am I relieved to be able to make it yet again in the streak of records. A record I thought was impossible to maintain looking at things just a day ago. Success is sweet. 

Here's the problem.

I'm not that happy about it anymore. 

Here I am, closing to 3am thinking, what did I do wrong and right? How did I even manage to pull through??? It's not mentally possible even. If you look at the facts and figures. Even Danial asked me to give the hell up coz it was too far. A gap of 60K. One product. Danial: that's crazy man.,! Give up and tidur edy la.

Anyone in the right mind would have given up. Period. 

But I didn't. 

Guess that makes me a super rep, they say?? 

Yes, I hit. And yes, I have more savings now. And yes, I'm happy. 

But was it all worth it??? 

NO. It still is a NO. 

Time to expand my wings and look for another job soon. 

I'm done with sales. 

You NEED to.

Maybe you need to fail. 

Maybe you need to fail to understand that life is like that. There are ups and downs. You can't always be on the top, even if you are now, it doesn't mean that you always will be. 

Those were the words of Damian. 

It was a conversation about probably two years ago. 

At that point of my life when I heard it, I thought that it was just a statement of weakness, of giving up even before trying. You see, I believe in life, or rather in whatever we do, you need to give it your all and you will sure succeed, that is the typical salesperson mindset. It has always been my mindset, and I have made it pretty well with that mindset thus far, even at this juncture of my life, but suddenly I realise that when things get out of your control, even the best of efforts also wouldn't mean a damn thing when you do not have control over an outcome no matter how much you want it, when the environment itself is not possible for the slightest glimpse of hope for something possibly good to happen to you. 

Here I am in my car, thinking about Damian. And that conversation details and everything that entailed after that. 

Maybe then I didn't understand. 

But I do now. I do. 

I'm at the verge of failing this quarter. And I'm at my wits end trying to figure things out and bring the sales in but things just do not seem to side on me. The gap is too big, and despite promoting and frail attempts to bring in the numbers, I know my capacity and the market situation, and that I'm in a position that is way beyond my control already. It has come up to a point I'm asking myself why am I trying so hard, why do I push myself so much when I'm not even well or recovering to begin with, and I can't even talk coz every time I do I'll just end up having a hyper-bronchitic cough. Not to mention, every morning for the past one week I have been waking up with my head feeling so effin* heavy like as if I had a drunk night the night before for 4 nights in a row. Tried that before? Searched vigorously for my dose of Naproxen (pain killer) and realised that I have finished all the strips already in the attempt to keep myself sane from being insane. 

Yesterday I was paying my car park ticket when I glanced at myself in the mirror and realised that I looked so pale, so defeated. 

Then I saw the lady that often conversed with me in the car park when she exclaimed that I have slimmed down a whole lot. She asked if I was alright. I thought she was so sweet. I told her I was very sick. And am not recovering. 

Another friend too, James, he says that I've slimmed down. 

That night mummy said the same thing. 

It just doesn't seem worth it. 

My health affected, my well-being as well. Just because my company plasters some pathetic figures on my performance KPI and I have to keep pushing myself to prove my worth. 

It's stupidity really. Real stupidity. 

I wish someone could put a gun to my head and ask me to stop mentally torturing myself. 

I'm so stubborn sometimes. 

So stubborn. 

Sigh. 

It's not worth it. Really not worth it.