You NEED to.

Maybe you need to fail. 

Maybe you need to fail to understand that life is like that. There are ups and downs. You can't always be on the top, even if you are now, it doesn't mean that you always will be. 

Those were the words of Damian. 

It was a conversation about probably two years ago. 

At that point of my life when I heard it, I thought that it was just a statement of weakness, of giving up even before trying. You see, I believe in life, or rather in whatever we do, you need to give it your all and you will sure succeed, that is the typical salesperson mindset. It has always been my mindset, and I have made it pretty well with that mindset thus far, even at this juncture of my life, but suddenly I realise that when things get out of your control, even the best of efforts also wouldn't mean a damn thing when you do not have control over an outcome no matter how much you want it, when the environment itself is not possible for the slightest glimpse of hope for something possibly good to happen to you. 

Here I am in my car, thinking about Damian. And that conversation details and everything that entailed after that. 

Maybe then I didn't understand. 

But I do now. I do. 

I'm at the verge of failing this quarter. And I'm at my wits end trying to figure things out and bring the sales in but things just do not seem to side on me. The gap is too big, and despite promoting and frail attempts to bring in the numbers, I know my capacity and the market situation, and that I'm in a position that is way beyond my control already. It has come up to a point I'm asking myself why am I trying so hard, why do I push myself so much when I'm not even well or recovering to begin with, and I can't even talk coz every time I do I'll just end up having a hyper-bronchitic cough. Not to mention, every morning for the past one week I have been waking up with my head feeling so effin* heavy like as if I had a drunk night the night before for 4 nights in a row. Tried that before? Searched vigorously for my dose of Naproxen (pain killer) and realised that I have finished all the strips already in the attempt to keep myself sane from being insane. 

Yesterday I was paying my car park ticket when I glanced at myself in the mirror and realised that I looked so pale, so defeated. 

Then I saw the lady that often conversed with me in the car park when she exclaimed that I have slimmed down a whole lot. She asked if I was alright. I thought she was so sweet. I told her I was very sick. And am not recovering. 

Another friend too, James, he says that I've slimmed down. 

That night mummy said the same thing. 

It just doesn't seem worth it. 

My health affected, my well-being as well. Just because my company plasters some pathetic figures on my performance KPI and I have to keep pushing myself to prove my worth. 

It's stupidity really. Real stupidity. 

I wish someone could put a gun to my head and ask me to stop mentally torturing myself. 

I'm so stubborn sometimes. 

So stubborn. 

Sigh. 

It's not worth it. Really not worth it.