Thoughts over Thoughts

And so it has come to the 11th Month of the year. Anyone noticed the off-and-on daily downpour recently? 

Yesterday night I received a news that has caused a sleepless night. I don't recall my ergonomic bed being so damn uncomfortable. Ah well, bet I knew it was the news that bothered me so much, not my bed. It's a good bed. *pat bed*

That news have caused me to flash a good 9 years of my life. What happened since then? Have I been truly happy? What have I done that was significant to mark my life? If I left the world today, how would people describe me in 50 words? Would I have made a significant impact I another person's life? What was my biggest regret??

What about the roads that should have been? Could that have been the better road? Why was it that I had less of a backbone then than I do now? Would things have been different? Better? Or worse?

Life is okay for me now, but do I want more? What is it that I'm truly seeking? What, or rather who, can give me that satisfaction that I so dearly seek for? And if I found the 'who', and the 'what' is laid before me, would I, at that time, be able to know that this is what I truly want?

What if when I reached there and found both, then only to realise that it does not give me the fulfillment that I seek? 

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the result. But is that also the reason why I keep searching but have never been able to find an answer? Maybe I have already found it initially, but refuse to acknowledge it simply because I'm afraid? How will a person be truly satisfied? Should it be under the yardsticks of the society's measure, or his own? Can that be a possibility? Or am I just crapping coz of the lack of sleep?

I'm seeking for perfection. 

But everyone knows that there is no such thing in this life. 

But what about, my kind of perfect? In my own definition?

It's difficult, but then again, nothing in this life comes easily. If it did, nothing would be of value. 

But the question boils down to: 

What is it that I'm truly seeking for????

Questions, over questions.

Damn.

I express my feelings better in writing than in words. Maybe I should have become a writer instead. Or a poet, yeah, like that would generate a decent income in today's age. (Me being plain ol' materialistic). Blehhhhh..

No matter what, my thoughts go out to that person who have caused my one night. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. 

Sigh, anyways, have a good Monday people. 

Lotsa love.