Imperfect.

It's overwhelmingly frustrating and dispairing at the same time, to realise the one thing you thought you know all about after 22 years of living has come around surprising you in ways you never thought it would.

After going through the sweet and sour of it, coupled by the bitterness that at once-upon-a-time seemed never-ending, I thought I understood the weight it carried by being tangled up in the tale that involves such fragile thing, and all the burden that came with it, and I do, except that I was in oblivion when it regards the term sacrifice. Perhaps it was never asked upon me by the characters of my past, where such a thing was supposingly just too much to ask, or perhaps the state that I was in was subject to comfortability and compromise that it was never raised to question, but now it is. And hell, I still don't know how to do it.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, mentally. Maybe I'm tuned in the sense that is completely different than that of others when they choose to be in a commited relationship.

Yes, yes indeed I have prioritising issues.

Does my heart work differently than my mind? Are they comprised of two seperate entities? Well, indeed, but it should work in sync right, when matters like this come in place? Heck, this matter shouldn't even be a matter in the first place. Not for the other seven billion people out there. Perhaps it is, for a significant few. Perhaps I never truly understood myself as I thought I did. Perhaps I need to attend that "do you really know yourself"class.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I find myself deliberately acting in ways that's hurt the person that matters. And it feels like bullshit when all that he had stated make total sense to me in ways that hurt more than one, because there was a degree in truth in it, and secondly because I have evidently inflicted despair in a somewhat deliberate manner. How can I say that I don't mean it that way when everything around me points otherwise?? Does it mean he says the truth? Or that I have no arguing point? If I think I'm right, how is it possible that I do not have an arguing stand to come up with???

Now I feel like a sore loser. I dun like to hurt. No one does. It's a pretty shitty feeling.

And frankly, I'm tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.

How come I don't have brain cells that work like a normal person??

..

Hearing Grenade now by Bruno Mars. It's a good song, but a pretty emo one. Ain't feeling any better. Ughsss....